Mother’s Day

This day fills me with so many emotions. Feelings of happiness, hurt, hope, fear, faith, but this heart just won’t give up, no matter how many times I honestly have wanted to, for so many reasons. The title of “Mother” holds a thousand responsibilities, and wears so many hats. This is a day to celebrate, a day to reflect on your mother’s impact on your life. This day for 15 years had been a day I honestly wish I could erase from the calendar at times, not bc I don’t love my mom, I do, but the truth is love can be mixed with pain. Last year was such a gift from God, among the many things He did for me, the crown of them all was His tender mercy, kindness, and patience He had with me. He helped my heart get to the place where I could forgive my mom for real, not hoping I forgave her, but knowing I did. One fateful day I sat with two wonderful ladies as I poured my heart out to my mom. Even though she walked into heaven 4 years ago I still had an unfinished conversation with her in my heart. One of the ladies stood in proxy for mom so I could just say what my heart held on to for so long. There was a moment I sobbed like I had never done before. You see, unforgiveness will not give your heart permission to feel your true love for a person, you can say you do, but if unforgiveness is renting a room in your heart, your words of love mean nothing. As I cried my heart out, with each tear that fell I could sense a shift as the anger left, and the true emotion came back in, it was love. For the first 22 years of my life I loved my mom, trusted her, admired her, and knew she loved me with everything she had. But then something happened, and deep hurts flooded my life. Yet love had the final word. When I realized that in the step of forgiveness you are not expressing that what was done to you was ok, but that you chose to believe that God will make ALL things work for your good, even if some of the pain and hurt is from those closest to you. When Jesus lived on earth, some of His deepest pain came from His earthy family, rejection being one of the main hurts He endured right before His crucifixion. In other words, pain comes to us all, even if you loved your family with the perfection of heaven. As I look back on the good and the bad, I realized I was deeply searching for the moments of love, the times of joy, and peace, I just could not see them through eyes of unforgiveness. Even thought I am on the other side of that, this day is still painful. But hear me out, God was faithful to me even when my mom was not able to be. He brought many moms into my life to continue to show me a mothers love will always be in our life, it may just come from a different vessel. But there is NOTHING in the world like feeling your own mother’s love towards you. I would do anything to have her back, to hear her laugh, to feel her hugs, to see her smile, to listen to her stories, to enjoy her cooking, to sit with her and do nothing. If your mom is still living, but your relationship with her has suffered some hurts, reach out to her while you still can, maybe just maybe… Jesus can use that so that, the walls will fall, the unforgiveness will leave, the hurts will heal, and you can see that love never left.