Today marks 2 weeks post return from my Heart Quest. Heart Quest is 5 1/2 days away with a group of women, consecrated to seeking God, which (if you allow it) will cause your love for Him to grow deeper.
In the weeks beforehand I was hoping for something specific from God, but not really sure that I could get it. I’ve heard about, and wanted to attend, HQ for 7 years now. During the 2 weeks beforehand I came across a Bethel song that was signing my heart’s cry, In over my head. If you have not heard the song, click on it. I promise it is worth your time.
I played that song at least 200 times. I think that’s why I related so much to this song. It truly was my heart’s cry, “I’m drowning! It will either be in the waters I’ve been in for 15 years or it will be in You.”
For close to a year I could feel, deep in my spirit, this heaviness. The weight that was constantly with me. I would get enough sleep ,but still wake up with it being physically hard to even get out of bed at times. I would pray and pray for this to lift, and many days I was angry with God for not fixing “this” whatever was wrong with me. So, naturally, when you are angry with someone you don’t really want to talk to them… because you might actually need to talk to them about why you are hurting.
In the first few days of HQ I knew God was honing in on an area of my heart, a door I knew He wanted me to open. By day 4 I could not take it anymore, I was so miserable, so much so that I could not join in during a worship time. I went to two of the leaders and told them what I was feeling. They were so understanding and loving as I poured my heart out about this “room”, this “wall”, this “dirty deep root” in my soul. Holy Spirit had been opening my eyes to what it was, but to be honest I just wanted to shut my eyes. It hurt so much to acknowledge what I had to face. I had to face the horrible truth that I had such bitterness towards my Mom after all these years. 15 years ago our family was torn apart by choices she made when she divorced my Dad. Three years after she left she found out she had cancer. Then, three years ago, she died from the leukemia she bravely battled for 9 years.
Earlier that day a leader encouraged me to write her a letter telling her everything I needed to say, good, bad and ugly. I began to write the letter and, a paragraph in, the words just stopped coming to mind. By that evening, when I went to the 2 leaders, one of them asked if I would be open to someone standing in proxy for my Mother so that I could say whatever I needed to. I had heard of this before, how many people were able to get free from so many hurts, wounds, and loses by simply talking it out in this manner. They said let’s set some time aside tomorrow for this. I agreed to do this, but I was so scared. I wasn’t afraid that this was not of God. I was scared of what would come out of me, what I might say to her, if I might scream in this ladies face that barely knew me.
Even still, I had peace about it. The next day I felt good, despite my lack of sleep. One of the teachings talked about how a root of sin in our lives will slowly grow into other areas of our lives and begin to effect those root systems as well. Then we had a profound teaching on what it truly means to be Eve, the Eve God had intended us to be all along. At one point during that teaching I broke down crying, so much so that I was shaking, every fiber of my being was weeping for my Mom, wishing she would have had this revelation of who she really was as Eve (made in the image of God), and what Eve’s roll was as Adam’s wife. I knew my childhood would have been very different and maybe, when I was 22, divorce would have never broken into my parent’s marriage and torn them apart.
We had lunch, and then it was time for me to meet with the lady (I’ll call her “D”) who had agreed to stand in for my mom. She looked at me and said:
D. – “Melissa, what do you need to say to me?”
Me-“Oh, we are going there right now?”
D.-“Yes, right now.”
Me-“Well ok then.”
I’m not sure how I started out, but once I did the words would not stop flowing, and the tears were matching the words… times 5. As I looked in D’s eyes I realized I was just so hurt, and from that hurt festered; anger, hate, and the root of all roots, bitterness. Bitterness was the root that was growing into every other room in my heart, choking out many beautiful things about me and who God created me to be. It was taking up so much space in my heart that I was actually pushing people out. I wasn’t trying to, but it was a ripple effect from the bitter roots. I had no more room and no more love to give.
As I looked this sweet lady in the eyes, she was so tender, just like my mom was before she left us. And when I hugged her I sobbed all the more. She had a petite frame like my mom and it felt so much like her, even her arms around me. I could have sworn it was my Mom when I closed my eyes. I told Mom how much I really did love her, and that I was sorry that I hurt her with my words, actions, etc… I told her I was hurting so badly that I was hurting her right back in hopes that she would see and bring a stop to all this pain. I told her the things that I loved and missed about her. I told her how my heart hurt the first week Aaron and I moved into our first home. I opened the front door to go get the mail and, as I stood in the doorway, I realized that she would never cross this threshold. She would never see our beautiful home, and she would not be helping me paint the walls.
Me – “This is why all our walls are still white, I wanted you there with me, doing this together.”
D. – “Melissa, I give you permission to paint the walls whatever color you want.”
With that statement I laughed then balled me eyes out again. This all went on for about 20 minutes or so. When I quieted down, she asked if there was anything else I needed to say. I had to think about it because I could feel my heart was so much lighter already.
Me – “Yes, there is one more thing, will you pick out my babies and ask God to send them to me?”
For my 15th birthday Mom (she was 35 at that time) wrote a song for me and sang it with close friends and family there. It was more prophetic than any of us knew at the time.
– Lullabies to Lipstick –
From lullabies to lipstick, the journey isn’t long
Once a baby in my arms now you’re standing so tall
You’re an arrow I’m sending to a time I may not know
A little part of my heart goes wherever you go
Tell the children of your children He is faithful and true
And tell them I sent them Jesus in you
The ladies prayed with me, asked Holy Spirit to fill the hole that was left from the bitterness being uprooted, and I felt 10,000 pounds lift off my heart. I was finally free.
When I returned from HQ. We got the new album, “Have it all,” from Bethel. When I played the song Mercy (If you have not heard this song, you have to stop and listen) I thought that my heart was going to explode out of my chest, as the tears poured all I could say was, “Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Father for my freedom, and Thank You for my Mom.”