First breath in eternity

3 years ago yesterday, my Mom, entered into her most amazing adventure, eternity. My heart is heavy, in a bitter-sweet way today. A few nights after she passed my heart was being torn apart (I will talk more of that in my book). I ran out of the restaurant we were at, and behind the building. As I stood in that parking lot, in the cool night air, I cried and cried as I yelled at the sky. The days leading up to that moment, my heart was spilling over with love for my mom, remembering all the good memories. Not one negative thing could even enter my mind, my heart had love and joy cascading over it, knowing she was no longer, suffering; her spirit, soul and body were finally at perfect peace.

But standing in that unlit parking lot, tears rolling, anger swelling, I was not at peace, far from it. If you have read this far don’t think this is going to be a depressing read, there is more to this story.

As my heart was pounding out of my chest from the meeting I had just ran out of, where there were many people in the room, we were make decisions about my Mom’s funeral service. I was looking at the sky, hoping Mom could see my tears rolling. I put my face in my hands, sobbing through my anger, and heard this, “I’m so sorry.” That tender voice that only a mother has towards her children, that voice washed over my soul. That voice I had heard speak to me so many times as a child, that voice that covered my heart when it was breaking over big or little things that would happen in childhood, that’s the voice that poured out from heaven as I stood there in the dark. And in that small moment my heart was at peace. I knew from the tone in her voice that her heart was at peace, and that she was sorry my heart was hurting over what had just happened.

If you know our family story, you know there have been many, many ups and downs, much heartache and pain in the last 16 years, but I know now that it’s nothing that heaven can’t heal. As I pray and long to be a mom myself, I often think of how my Mom would have been an incredible Grandma, I think of how she would have been in every detail; she would have helped paint every wall of the nursery, gone to all her bargain places and found the cutest things at a steal of a deal. She would kiss my babies sweet faces 1,000 times every day, I think of how she would rock them to sleep, and sing softly to them, then hum those little songs she would hum. I think about how she would count their toes, then count them again. I think of all the prayers she would have prayed over them, the songs she would have written, the dreams she would have had of them. I think about how she would laugh….SO LOUD when they did the cute things that babies do, then she would tell others all the details of how awesome her grand babies were in the way only she could do, she was the best at telling stories with such great detail.

Mom, I miss your voice. I’m so very thankful that we have your songs to remember you with. I loved that we were able to compile many of your songs on CD’s and give to those who attended your “going home party”. I said to one person while handing them a CD before they walked out the door, “Here is your party fav… Well, I was going to say your party favor. Actually, knowing mom, that is what she would have said too.”

I look forward to heaven, sitting in a lavender field with you, talking, eating the picnic you would bring, and laughing for hours. I want to go to our movie and watch from Heaven’s perspective the things that happened in our lives. I have thought so many times how you would have LOVED to have learned about essential oils like I have, you would have been an even bigger nerd about it than I am. 🙂 For over a year I could not go through your belongings, it was just to painful, I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest every time I attempted to do so. A few months back I was finally able to go through some boxes of books. I paused and smiled as I held this in my hands.

I took this as a kiss from heaven. I just love it that God so loves to be in the details of our lives, even the tiny ones. A year after you passed I started on this oily journey, I love that you left a little gift for me, and I love that you get a bird’s eye view now.

Last year a sweet friend of mine, Brooke, was at a ladies luncheon with me at our church. At the end we were asked to pray for those at our tables. Once it got to me about my prayer request, I began to cry before I could get a word out. Once I was finally able to share my prayer request, I asked for prayer so that we could become pregnant, my friend began to cry. She shared that God just gave her a vision. She saw you in heaven, smiling so big as you held 2 babies in your arms, they were twins. And you asked this, “Can I just hold them  a little longer?” With that I was undone. That is so something you would have said. Once again I knew God was giving me little pieces of heaven to hold on to.

After you passed I started to tell people, “There is a silver lining about her passing away; I bet she went to God and asked Him if she could go to the baby farm and pick out her own grand babies. I just pray they are not as ornery as I was.”

    Mom, I think you were about 20 years old and I was 6 to 9 months old. It’s crazy to me, when I think about my life and yours, when you were my age now (36) I was 16 years old. I know you did the very best you knew how to do being so young, and living in this broken world, and I deeply thank you for that. Thank you for praying over me, even when I was in your womb, thank you for guiding me in the things of God. Like the song you wrote for me (when I was 15) said,

“You’re an arrow I’m sending to a time I may not know, a little part of my heart goes wherever you go. Tell the children of your children, He is faithful and true, tell them I sent them Jesus in you.”

  Father, thank You for giving me to my Mother. I am a better women because of her. Despite the last 12 years of her life I know You say that she finished her race well. I’m so thankful You see past our actions, You intently look at our hearts, You look for what most will not take the time to look for, You hear the cries of Your broken children. You heard my Mother’s cry, and You took her home.

My heart is at peace knowing You see all and know all. After many years of not understanding I can finally say now, I trust You. I can’t see the big picture, but I feel your big love, and that is enough for me. Thank You for opening a window in Heaven that night, the night I heard my Mother’s loving voice.

I ask this of You, can You give my Mom a hug and tell her I will see her in a wink? I’m so thankful that this life is like a grain of sand in light of eternity. I ask that I live my life to the full, seek You well, and follow Your voice. You gave me to my Mother, You created me for such a time as this. And with that, I trust You, and I give You my all.